Too Much Information

By John Gutekunst

What's wrong with the following sentence:

Dine at
Olaf's Traditional-Egyptian Goat-Friendly
Vegetarian Sushi Bar!

Beside the fact that you probably already have a traditional-Egyptian Goat-Friendly Vegetarian Sushi Bar that you're used to patronizing, it just gives you too much information.

Obviously if you were trying to get people to try this restaurant, you would need to mention the name (Olaf's), and the kind of food served (traditional-Egyptian Sushi). In addition the fact that it's only vegetarian is important, but do you really need to say that Olaf's is Goat Friendly? This is the sort of thing that matters only to a limited group. The percentage of people that patronize fine-dining establishments who like to bring their goats to dinner (can't possibly be more than 30% of the total) would no-doubt phone first to make sure little Billy or Nanny are welcome if they weren't sure.

There is (believe it or not) a lesson here for when you are marketing your business. While you need to get the essential information to potential customers, too much just causes overload. They get confused, their attention wanders, the message gets lost.

So remember, keep it short, keep it too the point, and if you are going out to dinner with your goat, better call ahead.

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Amazing Acres Goat Dairy.com

by John Gutekunst

I went to Amazing Acres, having heard that they were making some amazing goat cheese. I met one of the owners, Fred Bloom, at the milking barn, and said to him:

"So I hear you're the Big Cheese around here, the Goat-to Guy. I guess I better treat you with Kid Gloves!" When I said "Hey, is that a goatee or are you just glad to see me?" he head-butted me.

I felt a bit sheepish (which was odd), lying on the immaculately clean milking room floor, writhing in pain. After a few well-placed kicks, Fred went to get his partner, Deb Mikulak, who explained what they do at Amazing Acres.

Debbie and Fred have been raising dairy goats since 1980. They wanted to start a goat dairy because of the health benefits of goat’s milk — many lactose intolerant people do very well on goat’s milk since the casein chains are very small, therefore the milk is easier to digest than cow’s milk.

They produce local, fresh and natural Artisan cheeses while raising their goats in a healthy and loving environment. All of the cheeses are a work of art, each individually handcrafted with love!

Amazing Acres goats are hormone free and given love and kisses on a daily basis! You can order cheeses by calling 610.913.7002 or emailing them at cheese@amazingacresgoatdairy.com. They are also available at local farmers’ markets.

For more information visit their website: AmazingAcresGoatDairy.com.

"Well that was fascinating, as well as delicious," I said, "sorry if I got your goat there earlier on. " Fred, Deb and the goats all just looked at me and said "you've got to be kidding."

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Test Your G.Q. (Goat Quotient)

Here's a fun quiz to find out how much you know about goats.

Answers appear below the Recipe of the Week.

1. Goats eat tin cans

True

False

2. A Judas goat is

A. A Heavy-metal goat rock band

B. A goat that leads sheep into a slaughterhouse

C. An expletive used in barnyards by uncouth cows and chickens

3. Chèvre is

A. A 1960's-era muscle car sold by Chevrolet

B. French for cheese

C. French for something snooty that they won't explain while sneering and smoking their cigarettes and holding them funny

4. Goat milk

A. is more nutritious than cow milk

B. is only consumed by aging hippies

C. is used for making head-butt-er

5. If you cross a goat with a cow you get

A. in trouble with the SPCA

B. a coat

C. something that you don't see every day, except in certain parts of Kentucky

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Goat Cheese Burgers

by John Gutekunst

This recipe is for Goat-cheese Burgers, not Goat Cheeseburgers. NO GOATS WERE HARMED IN THIS RECIPE!

If you have never tried it, goat cheese is delicious. It's a soft-textured cheese with a slightly tangy, very delicate flavor. Be careful not to mask this delicate flavor with overly sweet or salty ingredients.

For this recipe, you will need:

• Goat cheese (Chèvre)

• Crackers

For this recipe, you will need to omit:

• Two all-beef patties

• Special Sauce

• Lettuce

• Cheese (processed American)

• Pickles

• Onions

• A sesame-seed bun

Step 1: Do not light a gas grill or prepare a charcoal fire.

Step 2: Spread the goat cheese on the crackers.

NEXT WEEK: we feature a 40,000-word rant on the evils of processed American cheese slices individually wrapped in plastic. Here's an excerpt from this exciting new rant:

. . . it's like selling gasoline in bubble wrap — you go to the service station and start popping each of the bubbles into your gas tank . . .

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